Yogurt, kids.

Okay. So without naming names for the benefit of a certain search engine (except for Thermos, all right), here's the deal with the yogurt and making my own:

1) Once upon a time I was shopping for who-knows-what when I saw a yogurt maker I wasn't even looking for. It was a French one, which made me think back to the glorious yogurt AISLE (yes, a whole AISLE, pure heaven) at the grocery stores in France, so I knew this thing had to be good. I am not keen on machines and gadgets, and generally think they're a waste of money and space, but this purchase was no luxury. I eat yogurt ALL THE TIME, so I knew that making my own would save me money in the long run. So I bought it and then let it collect dust for a good 11 months. One day I thought, this is stupid that I keep buying it every single week while I have a perfectly good machine waiting for me at home. I busted it out and learned how to make it. It was easier than I had imagined, and I was a fool to wait so long. A fool.

2) To simplify: Heat up milk to a certain temperature. Cool down milk to a certain temperature. Add starter (some yogurt) to milk without killing the bacteria. Incubate for several hours (this is where the machine was used) at a certain temperature until it becomes yogurt (bacteria, yum!). Refrigerate yogurt for a few hours before eating. Try not to wolf it down all at once because it will be so much better than the crap that's sold in the store. And that's it. I did this almost every week for several months.

3) Then the machine started going sour on me (pun intended). It was a model that made the yogurt in eight individual servings. The four cups in the center of the heating element were always curdling before the four cups on the ends were even done. Something was wrong with the heating element and there was nothing I could do to fix it. Just to be doubly sure it was that and not user error, I made another batch. I ended up keeping the good half and throwing away the overheated half. Remember the nursery rhyme about Little Miss Muffet? Well, once the curds and whey separate during the yogurt-making process, there's no turning back and the affected batch is ruined.

3a) Out of this mistake, there was one time where I thought, hey, I'll strain it and make labneh.

3b) Creamy, smooth, mild, nice texture. Success. I'd do it again instead of wasting a ruined batch.

4) So I threw out the machine with much regret. I had gotten my money's worth out of it, but I was disappointed that it died on me so soon. Sure, I was using it just about every week, but it was for less than a year. See what I mean about machines? Not worth the hype. I vowed to not buy another one, but instead find a better method. Now that I was familiar with the process, I thought, now it's time to experiment and branch out. What did people do before these machines were made? I consulted my cookbooks for the answer. They used other incubation devices: the pilot light on a gas stove, a heating pad wrapped around the bowl, a double-boiler-type insulation method, even naked in a covered bowl on the kitchen counter. There are so many methods that don't require extra stuff (hell, even a heating pad isn't exactly a staple for a lot of people). The best one I heard was from dear old Pops speaking from personal experience: a Thermos. A Thermos!

5) Here's a hint: use one with a wide mouth. (You definitely don't want to use one that's meant for beverages.) I went through the same steps as before, only now using my new incubator. And the biggest surprise? The end result was even better than before, both in terms of taste and texture. So, I thought I had a loss, but instead I really won. This is the way I've been making it ever since. So easy. And there's less stuff I have to clean (8 cups, 8 lids).

6) One of my friends who bakes her own bread (and no, I don't mean she does it using a machine) encouraged me by saying once you get the basics down and you know how long the different steps take and you do this on a weekly basis, it's really not so bad. And she's right. It gets easier and easier the more you do it and refine your technique. Starting it is the more difficult thing, but you've just got to jump in at some point and learn from your mistakes.

Those are the basics. If you ever want real and more complete directions, you know how to reach me. (I have a phobia of writing anything of substance on the interwebs.)